Monday, October 10, 2011

"Then and Now"

Highschool was hell and no other night capped off my inner sorrow better than Prom Night.
I didn't go.
In fact, by the time prom came around I was already a highschool dropout.
I spent the night with friends who were a year younger than me.
We talked about how stupid the prom must have been and how great it was to be hanging out in the city.
That night with my friends I smiled, laughed and showed my best happy face,
but deep down in my stomach my real emotions were tying to break free.
 As if I could see my feminine self in my beautiful,
brand new dress and the perfect shoes,
as my tears poured mascara down my cheeks.
I hated Prom Night.
I hated Highschool.
I hated my life.

These days I am still in the closet and still miss some wonderful social events due to that fact,
but I have grown and now that I know who I am I choose to let my emotions through,
rather than holding them in, which is only a distraction on my journey to become female.
Tissues dry tears, emotions help you to be in touch with who you are
and there is no shame in being yourself.

I can now look in a mirror and see the girl I am.
Sometimes I still catch a glimpse of my male body when I step out of the shower and it makes me a little sad,
but in time my body will change and so will my thoughts about my body.
My girlfriend tells me how skinny I am all the time and even though I know that I am not fat,
I still see myself as needing to be just a bit more thin, but that's because my body is still male.
When I see my waist it seems fat in a way, and my tummy could be flatter, but It's becaue I want a female shape,
not because I'm overweight. I have learned to love my inner female self and now need to learn to love my body and outer appearence. I won't be happy until I have a much more female form, but patience is a vitrue.

I'm sure even when I get my body to look as girly as it's going to get, I still won't be as happy as I could be,
but I guess I'm a lot like a lot of other girl's.
Let's face it, women have a high rate of body image issues and that is a dangerous thing if you feed into it.
Being afraid of being seen as anything but the vision of feminine perfection is a hard habit to break.
Women have it tough when it comes to what is expected of them physically, but
if we all learn to love outselves and remember that perfection is a made up and utterly fake goal to be seeking,
we will all be a lot happier.

Being beautiful is just being you and being female. Forget what the world tells you to be.
Especially if you are transgendered.
Why bother to fight so hard to be a girl,
if  you are still pretending to be someone else?
My biggest fear is to finally have gone through my transition and still feeling that crying, girl inside me.
The body, the clothes, the shoes have nothing to do with who you are inside.
Inside you are female, you are emotions, thoughts and ideas.
That is why you are beautiful.
Everything else is just the reward for being true to the girl inside.
So smile and look towards the future
because the more you focus on what is coming at you
the more you gain the things you want,
avoid the things you hate
and the more control you will have over yourself.
Because if you lose control
someone else is sure to take it.

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