Friday, November 11, 2011

"Sex, Drugs and Rock Bottom"

I know how this girl feels. I guess a lot of people out there know how she feels.
I saw this picture and it reminded me of who I use to be and why I used to drink large quantities of alcohol, even though I'd end up sleeping next to the toilet or should I say next  to "A" toilet, depending on where I had chosen to get intoxicated.
Drinking was a huge escape for me and honestly one of the major reasons I was able to realize that I was transsexual was having to quit alcohol. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I was on my way.
I drank to socialize. It was very hard to be sober and go out in public. If I was drunk, I was friendly, outgoing and I could easily pretend to be a guy. It's funny that I never let anything about being trans slip out when I was drunk. It was almost as if when I was sober it hurt to pretend to be manly, but when I was drunk I was numb to the pain. It's tough to explain, because while I was comfortable projecting my fake personality, inside I was thinking all the same feminine thoughts I had at all times, but I was also numb to the pain of thinking about what the girls at the party were wearing, or what they were talking about.
So basically I thought I was happy. I drank and when I did get drunk it didn't make me go out in a dress and heels without inhibition and it didn't make me sad about faking my social attitude, I just had no feelings about them either way. I knew I had to be safe and not let my secret slip, other than that I had no worries.
I have said before that once I accepted myself I began remembering childhood memories of wanting to be a girl and the same is true for my drunken nights. The funny thing is that I had no emotion about my sexuality and gender when I was drunk, but now it makes me sad to remember the things I was thinking of at those times and places.
The girl above is a perfect example. She could have easily been a friend of mine at one of those parties or even a girl I had never met who had come to the party with someone else. I hated when girls got way too drunk. I wasn't sad because I couldn't sleep with them. I wasn't laughing at them as some of the other guys did and I certainly wasn't excited that I could take advantage of her like I'm positive some guys around me were thinking. I hated when they were that drunk because I put myself in her position everytime. I understood the embaressment she felt the next morning. I hated that if I tried to console her it would be considered as a plot to be sleazy and grope her. I hated that if I was her I wouldn't have been that drunk, or at least I don't think I would have been that drunk.
What I'm trying to say with all this is that when my memories flood back from those intoxicated times in my life, it's never a memory of talking about a girl's tits with other guys or what I could have done to score with one of those girls. What I remember is the mumbles of the other males fading into the background, every so often listening to key words in their sentences to make sure I could stay in the conversation, but the clear images that come to mind are what the girls were wearing and what items of clothing I liked, things about their outfits I hated, jealous thoughts about a girl who had a pair of shoes I would have killed for. As these images pop up more memories pour into my mind. I remember the girls I thought were cool, the girls I wanted to be like, I remember looking at groups of girls and wanting more than anything to be one of them.
I had sexual feelings towards them, but not like the other guys. They all talked about harsh, rough sex acts. They wanted to "Ruin", "Plow", "Fuck" these girls. I never thought like that. I wanted to talk to them, get to know them and I wanted to kiss, touch, and passionately have sex with these girls, but I couldn't. I was afraid to even try, because I couldn't even consider doing some of the things that my guy friends talked about. I assumed these girls would never want to be with a boy who wanted to be a girl and feel like a girl in bed.
So I became friendly with these girls and I made sure to be the funny guy. I had a dirty sense of humor and it was amplified when drunk, so it was easy to seem like I wanted to "Fuck" and at the same time be too pushy and sexually course about sex that most girls would always, eventually turn me down.

The bar scene was harder. At least at house parties I was surrounded by friends, but the bar was a place full of strangers. Overcoming this fear came in the form of what people call "Pre-Gaming". I would start by drinking whatever alcohol I could come across at home, but a lot of the time the bar wasn't stocked, so to speak. This meant finding another means of getting myself chemically courageous. Smoking pot would have made me paranoid and I can't say Marijuana has ever made me all that social or outgoing, so I started experimenting with my parents madications. Sometimes vicatin, sometimes another opiate would suffice. I'd pop a few pills, drink whatever booze I had, if any; and go to the bar feeling very loose and very talkative. I guess I should have been a little stronger and just waited until I was out and about at a bar and just had a few drinks until I loosened up, but I made a big mistake and it wasn't until I was taking anywhere from 4 to 7 pills before going out and drinking 7 to 10 glasses of alcohol that I noticed I had a problem. In fact it got so bad that if I didn't have pills or alcohol in my system I would choose to stay in and hide in my bedroom watching t.v.. Then some nights I would take a handful of pills and still make the choice to stay hidden away.
I hated going out. It was always the same thing. I would get obliterated at the bar, envy the girls, be annoyed by the same conversations that arose every time men get drunk. They talked about pussy, they talked about sports, about cars about fighting. I tried talking to the girls, I tried breaking into the girl talk, the drunken party girl good times. I tried to be one of them, but I couldn't. I didn't know how to talk to them. I couldn't talk about girl stuff, that would be un-manly and the guys might hear me. So, I would pass the time getting more and more messed up until the night ended.
The ride home was either a race to the toilet, where I would puke and pass out or if I had been to broke to afford enough to make me vomit I was immediately online.
The internet was a bad place for me when I was drunk. No inhibitions and the ability to chat can be dangerous. I'd log into a Tranny or Crossdresser or Sissy chat room, I'd start by telling the room I was drunk, looking to chat and I would label myself whatever was most popular in the room. I'd get responses in seconds. Men and other T-girls, it didn't matter who. I just wanted to talk about being a girl, a tranny, a sissy....whatever they wanted me to be as long as it was some form of release. I'd make plans to meet people, I'd send out my picture, I'd have deep conversations about being Trans and I'd have dirty, filthy sometimes perverse cyber sessions.
I never met any men that I made plans with when I was drunk. I never could go through with it when I sobered up. I'd realize that I hadn't set up a safe meeting or that the person I was to meet was a little too odd for an actual meetup.
 I have met men online and I will post about that soon, but when I was at this point in my life, when I was drunken and doped up, the one good thing that came out of it was that I never did meet anyone or do anything I would have regreted.

I don't drink anymore. Sometimes I'll have one drink if I am at a special event or party, but I don't like being out of control like I used to. I don't demonize alcohol, I know that I abused it, I know that I made the mistake to drink so much, to take pills and I know I did it to stop feeling the constant and awkward pain I felt everytime I met someone. Anytime I had to pretend I was someone else for an extended period of time. Anytime I was with anyone else whether they were friend, family or a complete stranger. Eventually I couldn't be around myself when I was sober.
I got lucky in a weird way. I had an acid reflux issue and was told I absolutely had to quit drinking. Somehow I did. I started my sobriety poorly, as I found several excuses to drink, but in time I found myself alone in my room, without the chance to drink and I started remembering who I was. I met my girlfriend around this time and I honestly don't know if I would have been able to deal with the truth about my gender and my life if it wasn't for the need I had to come clean about crossdressing and the eventual need, the urge, the desire to tell her that I couldn't pretend to be a guy that I was never supposed to be in the first place. She was weary at first and I don't blame her. All she knew about my gender identity issues was the part of it I had shown her and that was a sex filled world of fetishes. Eventually as I became comfortable with my issues, so did she. I became less interested, less obsessed with sexualizing my feminine self and she began to see that I was not just a guy who wanted to wear dresses and have boobs because it made me horny. She began to see that the girl I was inside was the real me. I was happier, nicer, kinder, more romantic, more loving, more emotional. She saw the real me and she was the first person whoever knew the real me. I may have had some reason down the line in my life that forced me to face myself, but without my Beautiful and more than loving girlfriend, I would be alone in my room analyzing myself for years to come or worse I could have neded up a prostitute or settled for a life as a boy or life as a lonely fuck doll for dirty old men.
It was my need to tell her, to be honest with the one person I loved more than anything in this world that gave me the strength to Know I'm a girl, See myself as a girl and to finally Love the Girl that I am.

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