Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Life as a shell: Prolougue"

Not being happy with my gender role was something only I knew, and despite the size of my secret, it weighed very little upon my mind around the time I was fifteen years old. The twin towers had fallen, and the world began to change.
The mentality was different in, what I thought was, a country of freedom. We all united in the aftermath of 9/11, but then people got scared. Issues like Gay Marriage were brought up and, being naive, I assumed it would be accepted by the majority. I was sure that type of bigotry had long since passed. It was a new era, how could anyone be evil enough to deny people love and happiness?                         
But, as the debate raged on, it was brutally amazing to see so many defiant people on t.v., or even being in the same room with fellow human beings who dissaproved of gay marriage. It seemed that who I was as a Transgendered person was even more despised and misunderstood.
 I felt my secret get heavier. I feared the reaction of anyone who may find out and soon became obsessed with hiding the girl that I was.
As each day passed, the weight I was carrying grew and grew, so, I stopped crossdressing, threw out any clothes that were remotely female, stopped researching the future I wanted and I stripped away the pounds of my secret one by one. Unaware that I was leaving a trail of my true self, personality, and emotion.
I'd soon realize that the dead weight was all I had left upon my shoulders.

I had only one outlet for the girl in me.
There was no way of getting out and having sex in the real world so,
I escaped into a world of chat rooms and online pornography.
Wishing I could be the girls I saw and turning my emotional desire to be female into
an all consuming fetish.

And as my desires remained hidden and sexualized,
I saw others go from crossdressers
to transsexual women.
It seemed the sex industry was my best best.
But the deeper you go and the older you get
denial builds a wall.
Sex became the only reason to feel feminine,
to feel anything at all.

So eventually I was consumed by sissification and the belief that I needed to be degraded,
because I was weak.
But women weren't weak. They were strong and because I wasn't a woman
and certainly I wasn't a man,
I thought I was undeserving of love, happiness
and a life.
Luckily, I am free of that trap, but the road I traveled
is littered with dangerous sexual flings and missed oppotunities.


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