"I Sincerely Apologize"



A picture is certainly worth a thousand words and this picture uses those words to speak on behalf of the strength of women.
It reminds us that, in the darkest of times, women have fought, sacrificed and done their part.
The so called "weaker sex" can roll up their sleeves and do what it takes to survive.
This picture also reminds us that strength does not erase one's femininity.
This hard working woman, who is rolling up her sleeves and showing her strength,
is also still a woman.
Her lips are red, her brows are tweezed, she still shows herself to be a woman.
Her makeup maybe a superficial aspect, but once again I must remind you of the thousand words a picture seems to speak.
Weakness was not an option, but just because a woman may have to fight or perform the tasks that are thought to be associated with man's work, it does not mean they are no longer a woman or feminine.
They roll up their sleeves and show the strength that lives within every woman and every transsexual woman.



Some girls find no interest in being a rough and tumble hero of the old west.
and that is fine. No one should be forced to be anything they don't want to be, but sadly, in this world, sometimes you are not given that choice.
But, if the world forces you to be something you are not, you have two options.
You can accept what the world wants you to be or you can fight back, and I'm happily noticing that, even though I may not want to fight every day, and push my strength and courage to new limits, the struggle is better than the force of third party opinions and actions.

These days women are not the damsel in distress princess types they were once considered.
Even in the once male dominated world of comic books, female super heros have become richly developed characters. They don't need protection from the forces of evil, they don't wait around for a man to come save them.
They stand and fight.
They defend themselves and others without ever backing down.
But not just in fantasy, do female creatures have this strength.
Mother's have found it in themselves to lift cars off their children, female animals defend their young to the death if they must.
Women face the pain of child birth if they so choose and it is a pain that few men will ever come close to understanding.

Women work in the business world and are still forced to make a smaller wage. Face sexual harrassment and sexual discrimination. Women have been more victimized and degraded more than any other minority group in the world.
Imagine trying to pay someone less money based upon their skin color, their religion, their sexual appeal.
Women still continue to fight for their rights and have still come so far in this world, only to have to fight harder as television and pop culture and magazines and movies tell them they are only sex objects and as sex objects they have no value unless they are as pretty as a photoshopped picture that is a flawless mockery of a female.
I started this blog with the idea that I was transsexual because I liked pop music and girly stuff and pink soft things, but that's not why I am transsexual. My hobbies do not define me, my sexuality does not define me. Only my actions and my beliefs define me. I am a woman and always have been and will be, but I regret that my confusion was an idolization of what real women strive to fight against. In some ways it was an insult. and I'm so very sorry to all women whether genetic females or transsexual women who are considered freaks and perverts because they are piled in with a completely non-related sexual aspect.

I love girly things, like fairies and I adore pink and absolutely love fashion and my ultimate vice is my love of shoes. I am not ashamed or apologetic for these things. I will never be apologetic for the things I like or love in this world, but they are not everything that I am. They are not all there is to me and the person I am inside. These things are specks in a vast universe that is the person I am. I also love Westerns and the Rolling Stones and so many things that are much more considered male, I have interests that have no gender label attached to them. I am woman because I am, I just know it. I feel it in my soul and in my heart. My brain has always thought a woman's thoughts. I don't know why I feel this,
 I just do.

I am not against any sexual fetish that happens between consenting adults, as long as it is safe. I don't think people should mutilate themselves for sexual pleasure, but your body is your body and I hope that you will respect it's limits. I am not trying to demonize anyone for any sexual reasons, I certainly have my own kinks and fetishes, but please know that sex is sex. You must not be ruled by that one aspect of yourself. I did allow myself to desire a purely sexual lifestyle and I now see that it was due to my self loathing and depression. Life is now so much better. My girlfriend showed me that. When we first met I was a purely sexualized shell of a person, I wanted her as a Goddess who would use me as her sissy slave, but I look back and realize that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to be a girl so badly that I'd have given anything to be one, even if it meant losing my freedom and even losing who I was forever. Luckily she forced me to confront myself and to find the courage to admit what I really wanted and needed. I now have come into my own as a female on the inside. I still have work to do, but I go about my more female hobbies, like clothes and shoes, etc....
without the sex and arousal involved at every turn and I'm alive again. I see my beauty and I see the beauty and love within her. I feel for her, love her and want to know how she feels, soothe her if she is sad and join her when she laughs. I am no longer a self loathing, self centered shell, I am a confident, happy, unique person and a proud woman. I haven't come out and though I am still doing the work I need to do on myself inside and emotionally I have officially broken through the wall of denial that had so often stopped me and beaten me down. There was no courage or strength in the man I was because he didn't exsist. My courage comes from the girl I was and the woman I have become. I urge all women to love themselves and believe in themselves and I urge any transgendered person to let go of the facade and embrace the person you are, because only then will you see that life is so much easier as yourself, as the real you. I always read stories where transitioned transsexuals had one regret and it was that they had not made the change sooner. I wish I had listened, because they were right. The only thing wrong with you when you are in the closet is the closet itself. Being transsexual is a cakewalk compared to being a lie.

"Don't be a fetish, Be yourself"

We all desire to be her
The girl with the perfect hair,
perfect face, breasts, butt, tummy,legs.
Dressed pretty in our high heels every day, but
that isn't being a girl.
We all assume that we should be weak,
helpless, useless beyond the task
of caring for our man or master.
I was at that point. completely sexualizing my emotional need to be female
and I came out on the other side of the whole sissy thing
with a desire to be a strong independent woman.
A real person, beyond what turns me on.

My fantasy when I was young was that a group of pretty girls
would transform me, but the fantasy quickly went from being forced into femininity
and became a new fantasy where I pleaded with them to help me,
to change me,
to save me from the hell I lived in.
But I still only had a sexual outlet.
My emotions were kept in the center of my chest,
in the depths of my stomach and
in the subconcious of my mind.

Of course I had become depressed.
Of course I contemplated suicide,
but would I be a girl in Heaven?
Was there a Heaven?
Was there a God somewhere who heard my prayers as a child,
but remained helpless to save me?
I was in hell,
So I was sure there was a heaven.
It turns out that I had to gain the courage to face my feelings
and face myself to finally find comfort and freedom.
I still feel the pressures of the hell I lived for so long,
but now I can see the Heavens and I am on the path to reach them.
No matter how dark and scary it all seems.

I have no issues with the Sissy fetish, but to be transgender or transsexual I think it goes beyond sex. We can't really want to be owned or abused forever and I think that if you want that lifestyle you have issues deep down that you haven't dealt with. I hated myself when sexuality and perversions ruled my life. If you want to be a sissy in a sexual situation then by all means do what you will as long as you and another consenting adult agree, but please don't make it a sure fire part of transsexualism. We have to start thinking beyond sex so that the world sees us as something more than a fetish, especially the kids who deal with gender issues who look online and only find sex and fetish related sites, when trying to find acceptance and a normal world in which they can discover their true gender. I want to be a hero to those kids and a role model. I am transitioning in a time where Transsexuals are more accepted than ever, but we still have a long way to go. There is a burden left upon me and all other Transgendered individuals to fight for what is right and to gain our place in the world so that those that come after us simply have a place to go and to become who they are inside. Sex is something amazing and beautiful, no matter what gets you turned on, but it is not what defines us as people or as a group.

"Life as a shell: Prolougue"

Not being happy with my gender role was something only I knew, and despite the size of my secret, it weighed very little upon my mind around the time I was fifteen years old. The twin towers had fallen, and the world began to change.
The mentality was different in, what I thought was, a country of freedom. We all united in the aftermath of 9/11, but then people got scared. Issues like Gay Marriage were brought up and, being naive, I assumed it would be accepted by the majority. I was sure that type of bigotry had long since passed. It was a new era, how could anyone be evil enough to deny people love and happiness?                         
But, as the debate raged on, it was brutally amazing to see so many defiant people on t.v., or even being in the same room with fellow human beings who dissaproved of gay marriage. It seemed that who I was as a Transgendered person was even more despised and misunderstood.
 I felt my secret get heavier. I feared the reaction of anyone who may find out and soon became obsessed with hiding the girl that I was.
As each day passed, the weight I was carrying grew and grew, so, I stopped crossdressing, threw out any clothes that were remotely female, stopped researching the future I wanted and I stripped away the pounds of my secret one by one. Unaware that I was leaving a trail of my true self, personality, and emotion.
I'd soon realize that the dead weight was all I had left upon my shoulders.



I had only one outlet for the girl in me.
SEX.
There was no way of getting out and having sex in the real world so,
I escaped into a world of chat rooms and online pornography.
Wishing I could be the girls I saw and turning my emotional desire to be female into
an all consuming fetish.





And as my desires remained hidden and sexualized,
I saw others go from crossdressers
to transsexual women.
It seemed the sex industry was my best best.
But the deeper you go and the older you get
denial builds a wall.
Sex became the only reason to feel feminine,
to feel anything at all.

So eventually I was consumed by sissification and the belief that I needed to be degraded,
because I was weak.
But women weren't weak. They were strong and because I wasn't a woman
and certainly I wasn't a man,
I thought I was undeserving of love, happiness
and a life.
Luckily, I am free of that trap, but the road I traveled
is littered with dangerous sexual flings and missed oppotunities.



 

"Lonely, But Not Alone"

When I started coming to terms with my inner gender, I had glimpses of vague memories from my childhood. Moments that seem so cloudy and yet so very vivid.
I recall being four or five years old and being drawn by the sight of my mother's closet. Her dresses and skirts hung above a four tier shoe rack which held pair after pair of high heels.
I remember sneaking into the basement with a stolen item of clothing. I'd try on whatever Item I had in hand and look at myself in the old, dusty mirror that sat unused under the stairs. Shaking unconttrollably, I would then pray to God to make me a girl. A prayer that went unanswered.
As I got a little bit older, I knew of words like "Transsexual" and "Crossdresser", but information on these terms was hard to come by for a child, especially since asking questions was too scary. So I did what I could, even going so far as to find three individual dictionaries and reading the definitions of any words affiliated with gender.
Despite my best efforts I was left with little more than a basic understanding of what I was going through, until fate or maybe dumb luck decided to drop the information in front of me.

My mother and I were visiting my grandmother.
I could hear the two generations of women talking on and on at the kitchen table.
Their topic of conversation was lost on me as I sat downstairs, two inches from the T.V.screen,
manually and mindlessly going channel to channel.
Finally something caught my interest.
I saw this woman's face on the screen and I heard the word,
"Transsexual"
I lowered the volume so that I could barely hear the Narrator over the upstairs conversation.
I placed my finger on the channel button, just in case.
If someone had come down to check on me, they'd have found me entranced by the glowing,
almost silent television set,
Learning that there was hope beyond the prayers I had made.
I wasn't alone.

I grew older and the internet was dialing up in every home, and alothough my family was one of the last to connect to the world wide web, when we finally did, I was beyond happy.
I weasled my way out of a family function by faking sick and waited for the house to empty out.
When the house did fall silent, butterflies filled my stomach.
I ran around the house, locking the doors and closing the blinds. The computer sat in the living room, which had made any research on any sexual subject impossible until now.
I knew I'd come across people who could help, people who were just like me. I started by reading some poorly written posts, but at the time I didn't care. I was too starved for information, anything was absolute girlish gold. I read article after article until I collected enough  knowledge to explain what I felt, what I didn't feel and I wanted to explain all these things, but I couldn't tell anyone. I could never let my secret out to anyone in my family, so I did what I thought was best.
I saw the list of chat rooms when I first signed on and sure enough there was a "Tranny" room mixed in with all the rest. Once I was in I froze afraid to type anything. I said hello as people welcomed me, but I didn't know what else to do or say, then out of nowhere a window popped up and I began my first private chat. Afraid that I would be drawn into the filthy and overwhleming sexual conversations in the main room I began with "Hi, I'm very new and I'm looking for someone who can answer a few questions about all this stuff." Once again it was either fate or dumb luck and I was talking to a 20 something Genetic Girl who dated a crossdresser. She said she had figured I was new and young and that this wasn't the best place for info, but she answered my questions and gave me a few articles to look up. I was beyond grateful and after our long chat we said goodbye and with very little time left alone I rushed to print each one.
It took forever and I wasted almost 20 sheets of paper, but by the time my family returned every door was unlocked, every window was uncovered and those sheets of paper were under my bed waiting for me.

I continued going online for years to come and it began getting easier to get privacy.
I had access to the internet and was in my teenage years.
I started highschool and like I've said before I hated it,
but when I came home I had 3 or 4 hours of free time which I spent weaving through the web.
Sometimes, I would use these solitary moments to delve into my ever growing sexual fantasies,
but we will talk about that a little later and I will cover that topic in full in an upcoming post.
For now, I want to talk about the above photo because the blonde with the pretty smile, was a huge inspiration to me.
Her name is Gabrielle Scahffer and if you have ever heard of another Trans woman named Lynn Conway,
you may have seen a webpage called "Transsexual Women's Success"
Lynn Conway has a few webpages and she is someone who bravely transitioned before the internet and the information and acceptance that came with it. If you think it's hard to be Transgendered in this day and age, which in a lot of ways it is still a brutal test of a person's inner strength, imagine doing it when you couldn't reach out to another person who knows what you are going through. Like the title of this post, we can be lonely because we have no one near to confide in or who understands, but you know there are others and you can go online and talk to them, learn about them and possibly find a way to meet other Transgendered girls in person which could even be at a Planned party held in a hotel ballroom, but women like Lynn were alone. I am amazed she had the will to do it.
Now, back to the photo.
When I saw this photo it was the first time I stopped and thought,
"I could really do it. I could be a girl. A woman."
I don't know why. Maybe because she was pretty and passable,
but I think it's because she didn't look too old, maybe mid twenties
and she didn't look fake like many of the other girls who had plastic surgeries upon plastic surgeries.
She just look like a girl, a woman.
I wanted to be like that. A woman.
I didn't want to look like someone trying to be a woman.
I felt like nothing could stop me at this point,
but I was entering my teenage years and hadn't seen the full potential of cruelty
that the world can sometimes dish out.

"Then and Now"

Highschool was hell and no other night capped off my inner sorrow better than Prom Night.
I didn't go.
In fact, by the time prom came around I was already a highschool dropout.
I spent the night with friends who were a year younger than me.
We talked about how stupid the prom must have been and how great it was to be hanging out in the city.
That night with my friends I smiled, laughed and showed my best happy face,
but deep down in my stomach my real emotions were tying to break free.
 As if I could see my feminine self in my beautiful,
brand new dress and the perfect shoes,
as my tears poured mascara down my cheeks.
I hated Prom Night.
I hated Highschool.
I hated my life.



These days I am still in the closet and still miss some wonderful social events due to that fact,
but I have grown and now that I know who I am I choose to let my emotions through,
rather than holding them in, which is only a distraction on my journey to become female.
Tissues dry tears, emotions help you to be in touch with who you are
and there is no shame in being yourself.




I can now look in a mirror and see the girl I am.
Sometimes I still catch a glimpse of my male body when I step out of the shower and it makes me a little sad,
but in time my body will change and so will my thoughts about my body.
My girlfriend tells me how skinny I am all the time and even though I know that I am not fat,
I still see myself as needing to be just a bit more thin, but that's because my body is still male.
When I see my waist it seems fat in a way, and my tummy could be flatter, but It's becaue I want a female shape,
not because I'm overweight. I have learned to love my inner female self and now need to learn to love my body and outer appearence. I won't be happy until I have a much more female form, but patience is a vitrue.




I'm sure even when I get my body to look as girly as it's going to get, I still won't be as happy as I could be,
but I guess I'm a lot like a lot of other girl's.
Let's face it, women have a high rate of body image issues and that is a dangerous thing if you feed into it.
Being afraid of being seen as anything but the vision of feminine perfection is a hard habit to break.
Women have it tough when it comes to what is expected of them physically, but
if we all learn to love outselves and remember that perfection is a made up and utterly fake goal to be seeking,
we will all be a lot happier.




Being beautiful is just being you and being female. Forget what the world tells you to be.
Especially if you are transgendered.
Why bother to fight so hard to be a girl,
if  you are still pretending to be someone else?
My biggest fear is to finally have gone through my transition and still feeling that crying, girl inside me.
The body, the clothes, the shoes have nothing to do with who you are inside.
Inside you are female, you are emotions, thoughts and ideas.
That is why you are beautiful.
Everything else is just the reward for being true to the girl inside.
So smile and look towards the future
because the more you focus on what is coming at you
the more you gain the things you want,
avoid the things you hate
and the more control you will have over yourself.
Because if you lose control
someone else is sure to take it.