"Lonely, But Not Alone"

When I started coming to terms with my inner gender, I had glimpses of vague memories from my childhood. Moments that seem so cloudy and yet so very vivid.
I recall being four or five years old and being drawn by the sight of my mother's closet. Her dresses and skirts hung above a four tier shoe rack which held pair after pair of high heels.
I remember sneaking into the basement with a stolen item of clothing. I'd try on whatever Item I had in hand and look at myself in the old, dusty mirror that sat unused under the stairs. Shaking unconttrollably, I would then pray to God to make me a girl. A prayer that went unanswered.
As I got a little bit older, I knew of words like "Transsexual" and "Crossdresser", but information on these terms was hard to come by for a child, especially since asking questions was too scary. So I did what I could, even going so far as to find three individual dictionaries and reading the definitions of any words affiliated with gender.
Despite my best efforts I was left with little more than a basic understanding of what I was going through, until fate or maybe dumb luck decided to drop the information in front of me.

My mother and I were visiting my grandmother.
I could hear the two generations of women talking on and on at the kitchen table.
Their topic of conversation was lost on me as I sat downstairs, two inches from the T.V.screen,
manually and mindlessly going channel to channel.
Finally something caught my interest.
I saw this woman's face on the screen and I heard the word,
"Transsexual"
I lowered the volume so that I could barely hear the Narrator over the upstairs conversation.
I placed my finger on the channel button, just in case.
If someone had come down to check on me, they'd have found me entranced by the glowing,
almost silent television set,
Learning that there was hope beyond the prayers I had made.
I wasn't alone.

I grew older and the internet was dialing up in every home, and alothough my family was one of the last to connect to the world wide web, when we finally did, I was beyond happy.
I weasled my way out of a family function by faking sick and waited for the house to empty out.
When the house did fall silent, butterflies filled my stomach.
I ran around the house, locking the doors and closing the blinds. The computer sat in the living room, which had made any research on any sexual subject impossible until now.
I knew I'd come across people who could help, people who were just like me. I started by reading some poorly written posts, but at the time I didn't care. I was too starved for information, anything was absolute girlish gold. I read article after article until I collected enough  knowledge to explain what I felt, what I didn't feel and I wanted to explain all these things, but I couldn't tell anyone. I could never let my secret out to anyone in my family, so I did what I thought was best.
I saw the list of chat rooms when I first signed on and sure enough there was a "Tranny" room mixed in with all the rest. Once I was in I froze afraid to type anything. I said hello as people welcomed me, but I didn't know what else to do or say, then out of nowhere a window popped up and I began my first private chat. Afraid that I would be drawn into the filthy and overwhleming sexual conversations in the main room I began with "Hi, I'm very new and I'm looking for someone who can answer a few questions about all this stuff." Once again it was either fate or dumb luck and I was talking to a 20 something Genetic Girl who dated a crossdresser. She said she had figured I was new and young and that this wasn't the best place for info, but she answered my questions and gave me a few articles to look up. I was beyond grateful and after our long chat we said goodbye and with very little time left alone I rushed to print each one.
It took forever and I wasted almost 20 sheets of paper, but by the time my family returned every door was unlocked, every window was uncovered and those sheets of paper were under my bed waiting for me.

I continued going online for years to come and it began getting easier to get privacy.
I had access to the internet and was in my teenage years.
I started highschool and like I've said before I hated it,
but when I came home I had 3 or 4 hours of free time which I spent weaving through the web.
Sometimes, I would use these solitary moments to delve into my ever growing sexual fantasies,
but we will talk about that a little later and I will cover that topic in full in an upcoming post.
For now, I want to talk about the above photo because the blonde with the pretty smile, was a huge inspiration to me.
Her name is Gabrielle Scahffer and if you have ever heard of another Trans woman named Lynn Conway,
you may have seen a webpage called "Transsexual Women's Success"
Lynn Conway has a few webpages and she is someone who bravely transitioned before the internet and the information and acceptance that came with it. If you think it's hard to be Transgendered in this day and age, which in a lot of ways it is still a brutal test of a person's inner strength, imagine doing it when you couldn't reach out to another person who knows what you are going through. Like the title of this post, we can be lonely because we have no one near to confide in or who understands, but you know there are others and you can go online and talk to them, learn about them and possibly find a way to meet other Transgendered girls in person which could even be at a Planned party held in a hotel ballroom, but women like Lynn were alone. I am amazed she had the will to do it.
Now, back to the photo.
When I saw this photo it was the first time I stopped and thought,
"I could really do it. I could be a girl. A woman."
I don't know why. Maybe because she was pretty and passable,
but I think it's because she didn't look too old, maybe mid twenties
and she didn't look fake like many of the other girls who had plastic surgeries upon plastic surgeries.
She just look like a girl, a woman.
I wanted to be like that. A woman.
I didn't want to look like someone trying to be a woman.
I felt like nothing could stop me at this point,
but I was entering my teenage years and hadn't seen the full potential of cruelty
that the world can sometimes dish out.

"Then and Now"

Highschool was hell and no other night capped off my inner sorrow better than Prom Night.
I didn't go.
In fact, by the time prom came around I was already a highschool dropout.
I spent the night with friends who were a year younger than me.
We talked about how stupid the prom must have been and how great it was to be hanging out in the city.
That night with my friends I smiled, laughed and showed my best happy face,
but deep down in my stomach my real emotions were tying to break free.
 As if I could see my feminine self in my beautiful,
brand new dress and the perfect shoes,
as my tears poured mascara down my cheeks.
I hated Prom Night.
I hated Highschool.
I hated my life.



These days I am still in the closet and still miss some wonderful social events due to that fact,
but I have grown and now that I know who I am I choose to let my emotions through,
rather than holding them in, which is only a distraction on my journey to become female.
Tissues dry tears, emotions help you to be in touch with who you are
and there is no shame in being yourself.




I can now look in a mirror and see the girl I am.
Sometimes I still catch a glimpse of my male body when I step out of the shower and it makes me a little sad,
but in time my body will change and so will my thoughts about my body.
My girlfriend tells me how skinny I am all the time and even though I know that I am not fat,
I still see myself as needing to be just a bit more thin, but that's because my body is still male.
When I see my waist it seems fat in a way, and my tummy could be flatter, but It's becaue I want a female shape,
not because I'm overweight. I have learned to love my inner female self and now need to learn to love my body and outer appearence. I won't be happy until I have a much more female form, but patience is a vitrue.




I'm sure even when I get my body to look as girly as it's going to get, I still won't be as happy as I could be,
but I guess I'm a lot like a lot of other girl's.
Let's face it, women have a high rate of body image issues and that is a dangerous thing if you feed into it.
Being afraid of being seen as anything but the vision of feminine perfection is a hard habit to break.
Women have it tough when it comes to what is expected of them physically, but
if we all learn to love outselves and remember that perfection is a made up and utterly fake goal to be seeking,
we will all be a lot happier.




Being beautiful is just being you and being female. Forget what the world tells you to be.
Especially if you are transgendered.
Why bother to fight so hard to be a girl,
if  you are still pretending to be someone else?
My biggest fear is to finally have gone through my transition and still feeling that crying, girl inside me.
The body, the clothes, the shoes have nothing to do with who you are inside.
Inside you are female, you are emotions, thoughts and ideas.
That is why you are beautiful.
Everything else is just the reward for being true to the girl inside.
So smile and look towards the future
because the more you focus on what is coming at you
the more you gain the things you want,
avoid the things you hate
and the more control you will have over yourself.
Because if you lose control
someone else is sure to take it.



" learning how to be you"

Throughout my whole life I have hidden any and all feminine feelings. It has been tough to deny so many desires and emotions and I have no doubt that hiding these things, even from myself, was an extremly unhealthy waste of time.
Since embracing and accepting these feelings, I have found myself struggling with the opposite situation. I am now bothered by any masculine interests, hobbies or thoughts that have remained, even if these things are natural masculine hobbies or impulses that are just part of the "Real" me.
It seems that on my way to becoming a girl I have to realize that, just like every girl, I do have boy-ish opinions and thoughts.
I am coming to terms with these things, but it is actually harder to accept my "Guy" habits than to accept my formerly secret female qualities. Most likely because there is a drive within me to be female, and it vastly overshadows any male goals I have ever had.
Luckily, overcoming this obstacle on my journey to Girlish Bliss, is as easy as accepting that every girl (Genetic or Otherwise) has Male qualities and sometimes these qualities are the very things that can make a girl a little more unique.
In the end there really is no "Guy" stuff or "Girl" stuff, just "My" stuff.
No matter who you are, what gender you are, or what someone told you, EVERYONE has the right to like, love, want or desire anything.
It is not about gender. Being male or female is something else, something deeper.

Here is a girl with some masculine features in her clothing.
She looks a bit tough.
A "Punk", maybe?
But look beyond the rocker-chick image.
She is a girl and she clearly expresses it.
Her clothes aren't hastily thrown together.
This is an outfit she created.
From the fingerless gloves to the tip of those very high heels,
this pretty blonde, planned this outfit in front of her mirror.
She mixed and matched her clothes until she felt beautiful and sexy.
 She has a look, now.
A look that both expresses her femininity and masculinity.
She can hit the city for drinks with a date or friends,
but she can easily be hanging backstage with the boys.



Okay, what about this cute blonde?
Does she express her male qualities in her apearence?
Her messy waves of blonde hair?
(She secretly styled it that way for forty five minutes, until it was perfect.)
Her simple grab and go outfit?
 (Was her morning's big decision. It is well thought out to seem easy and effortless.)
And finally, those run down, old-man shoes?
(She is declaring That she is an individual, but still fashion concious.Those shoes are hip and she knows it.)

Girl's can use male accents in their clothing to display a part of their personality or interests. For example, a girl can wear a baseball jersey to show that she is a bit sporty and athletic. The way she adds this Item into her outfit can also say a lot about her. If she wears her jersey in the normal fashion she may be a bit more serious about her love of the game, but a girl who tailors her Jersey and makes it part of a Fashionable look might be less inclined to know the stats and be more into the fanfare.
A woman can also use Masculine influences to add a certain message to the people around her. Look at the 1980's obsession with shoulder pads, which added a look of male-power, especially to women's business wear. I personally hate shoulder pads, but once again, we can not look past the strong masculine shoulder mixed with a suit that is cut in a very feminine form. 
And of course, Male items or influences used strictly for fashion. Let's say a man's neck-tie "ties" together an otherwise lacking ensemble, then why would you not use it? When you add these masculine things and integrate them into an otherwise female outfit, you can bring character and life to the same old thing. The trick is to add splashes of male qualities to your outfit (if needed) so that your look goes from cute to fashion-foward.
Women don't need to wear four inch heels to feel feminine. They wear them because clothes are something to be played around with and fashion is certainly a fun and creative artform.
Style and fashion are always changing and evolving and it's so very fun to try and keep up. But remember, that following fashion trends means that you should incorporate designer Ideas to your own personal and unique style. What's popular this season in the fashion world should not the be all you wear. These seasonal, sometimes cyclical, and often inspiring trends are new pieces to a puzzle you have already started.
Girls were raised to be girls. You are new to being a girl, so relax and take a deep breath. If all the clothes, shoes, makeup, jewelery, hair, etc.., seems all too much, remember that Learning to be a girl and becoming the girl you are, should be fun and exciting, but it will take a long time. You are doing a lot more than designing a look or finding your style, you are freeing a repressed personality. It will take time, and most likely be a process you never truly can stop.






This pretty young girl, is in fact.....a boy,known as Gregory Gorgeous.
She hosts several, ongoing videos online all about the frightening task of making yourself
into the best possible Girl that you can be.
 As you can tell from her photo, she is talking from experience
and a place of knowledge about all the things
you want to know.




Gregory certainly inspires a bit of jealousy.
I am certainly a realist and I know that I can never be as pretty as her.
In fact, most of us Girls
will never,ever,
ever
be as
Pretty or as"passable"
as Miss Gorgeous.......But,
That is not a reason to deny your inner female.
I actually find this girl's striking beauty to be an inspiration.
Why would I be upset at a fellow "Gurl" for being this good looking?
Like I said, I am jealous, but sue me, girls get jealous of eachother all the time.
In fact I'm sure there are Genetic Girls who would be jealous of Gregory.
But, Looking this good starts with being....well......Good-Looking.

Take a look at Gregory as a boy.
He gives off a bit of a Gay vibe,
but I'm almost certain he is trying for that.
Other than that, this boy is just Good-Looking.
He does seem to have very girl-ish features,
which no doubt aid his feminine appearence,
but, guess what?
There are a million straight guys who, with a bit of makeup,
some hair exstentions and the right clothes,
would make beautiful girls.
And just the same, there are some girls that could scruff up a bit,
wear a baseball cap
and be passable as manly men.
My point being that Gregory and other "Gurls" in the trans universe
who may benefit from a few extra physically female qualities,
use those qualities to the advantage of their appearence.
The photo above is of a boy doing the things he needs to do so that he can look his best.
Put it like this
If his body had the mind and soul of a Boy who was 100% Hetero,
then the picture would be of a manlier Gregory.
His hair might be uncombed, his clothes dirtier, complexion a bit rougher,
maybe he'd have a beard, and his body might even be more muscular,
But because Miss Gorgeous is who she is,
this photo is of a boy who goes to the salon, goes tanning, and who takes pride in his appearence,
which he has chosen to be a more feminine one.
As time passed Gregory most likely learned more and more ways
to improve his outward feminine appearence.
Allowing him to look the way he does today,
which if you ask me is the definition of Gorgeous.




So in conclusion, I, with the help of my lovely girlfiend of course, am learning what my best feminine qualities are.
I'm learning to use these natural traits as a starting point to begin changing my physical appearence.
I think the biggest and most costly mistake anyone in this situation can make,
is to rush into any form of plastic surgery. Especially if you are still young.
I'm 25 and although Hormones may not turn me into a five foot five, blonde, cheerleader,
I know that they will be one of my biggest allies during my journey. I just need to give
them time to shape my body. If it takes 2 or 3 or 6 years, it is still better than a quick fix that can leave you looking less like a female and more like a Michael Jackson impersonator. I'm not against Plastic Surgery, but only as a last resort.
I am also in the process of learning how to walk, talk, and express myself in
a female manner, with confidence and without being a mockery or spoof
of the girl I am.



"Positive Thinking/Caption Ideas"

I always wanted to have a Mother Daughter Relationship with my Mom.
I wanted to know all the things she knew.
I wanted the female I was becoming
to reflect the part of my mother that I know she longed to pass on.
Sadly, without any daughters,
She never had the chance to
pass down her feminine wisdom.
Hopefully, My Mom,
Will be happy when she gains
Her Daughter.



I hope to Be as naturally beautiful
as I possibly can.
I flaunt my feminine attributes
to cover my masculine majority.
I know I am too tall, and broad shouldered
to be nearly as beautiful
as the girls I idolize.
But, I am
Young,
thin,
and smart.
I am not naturally hairy,
I have slender, smooth hands,
a pretty face
and long, long legs.
I count my blessings and know that if I
Keep learning, growing and taking
my Beautiful Girlfriends advice
I will Look Better, Feel Better, Be Better.



"Caitlin: Cancelled"
I have decided not to do this series of "Caitlin Captions" as I had planned. I rushed into doing captions and am going to start over, But rest easy as My Blog will certainly have a few more Emma Watson Pictures, because I adore her. She is certainly an Idol of mine and that British accent is something every girl wishes she had.
If Anyone would like to let me know what type of captions and stories they enjoy I'd love to take a crack at new captions and a few fresh Ideas would help get things started.

"Fem Fun"